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Review: Carla Collins – ‘Angels, Vampires and Douche Bags’

Carla Collins

I’m going to start this review like an AA meeting. Hi. My name is Kate and I am biased. When I picked up Carla Collins’ book, “Angels, Vampires and Douche Bags,” I took one look at her mug on the cover and thought, “What does some chick who looks like Tori Spelling if she’d eat a couple Big Macs know about anything?”

I was wrong.

Collins is more than fake breasts and a blonde dye job. She is a witty 40-something actress and stand-up comedian who shares wise and worldly advice in a funny, sincere, and somewhat rambling format.

In her comedic motivational, the former model is an enigma, morphing from the wise Dalai Lama, “we shouldn’t stay engaged in negative thought or behavior, but we should step out and attempt to see our life objectively,” to harsh comedian Lisa Lampanelli, “white women don’t recognize a red flag until it’s dunked in chloroform, shoved in their mouths and secured with duct tape,” to porn star, “we consummated our relationship with the most incredible, passionate jungle sex imaginable,” to the girl next door, she was born and raised in a small town in Canada.

From Canada to L.A. and around the globe, she presents a candid look at her life and private experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly), intermixed with other, larger issues, including pop culture and societal problems.

“(Cowardly douches) cling desperately to the past where they can safely remain bathing in ignorance.”

The 135-page book is organized in three parts: Angels, Vampires and Douche Bags, hence the title, which are each defined and explained. She starts each part, and within it chapters and subchapters, with a famous quotation that relates to her discussion, and ends each part with a summary entitled “Care and Treatment,” that includes such advice as “Do not build a Berlin Wall around you to stay protected. Sure it will keep the douche bags out, but it will also prevent you from letting the angel in.”

Within these sections, she puts her experiences, both embarrassing and heroic, out there and had me laughing out loud and also nodding in agreement at sound advice about serious topics neatly camouflaged between humorous observations.

“Look for some good in everything. There is an upside to every situation, even divorce. I don’t know about you, but when my first husband and I ended our marriage, I became more desirable to him than a skanky ho at a Poison reunion concert.”

She also created terms for everyday people and happenings, including various douche bags, from cowardly to negative to haters, the diagnosis of douchebagitis for the citizens of Doucheland, and killer vampires, which includes addictions.

Throughout the book, she promotes healthy conclusions to difficult situations, including laughter, confidence, forgiveness, getting over grudges and fear, and humiliation. Her advice is seasoned and delivered in a very approachable manor.

“It’s really just a matter of feeding your angel so that it will grow stronger, controlling your vampire so it doesn’t control you, and kicking your douche right in the bag until you knock it out cold.”

I went from never having heard of her to wanting to be her friend. Whether you’re an angel, vampire or douche bag, or a hybrid, check out her book, available through Amazon, visit carlacollins.com to see where she’s performing or check out her new documentary series, “Carlawood,” a huge hit in Canada.

She is currently working on the movie, “The Hack,” a comedy/horror film where she stars as a comedian who kills performers for their material. — Kate Vendetta

Visit Carla Collin’s official website at www.carlacollins.com.

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