Posted on 02 November 2015.
“Welcome to Prime Time, Dicks.” – J-Mo
Another Halloween has come and gone, leaving you with a wicked case of the bloody booze blues, no doubt. But fear not, sweet reader, as November 1st 2015 marks a milestone in one of horror’s most beloved franchises. “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” turns 30 years old! I personally achieved this milestone back in August and can assure you that the best way to make a 30 year old feel special: Overtly Sexualize Them. But how do you make it special? You never want to regift something on someone’s big day. Having ranked the boobs of both “Friday the 13th” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series, I figured it was time to switch it up by giving some love to the men of a franchise for once. So dive right in and see if your favorite hunk hottie made the list.
9. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Breckin Meyer – Spencer
I would be clueless not to include Breckin Meyer, folks. As the sweet stoner Spencer, Breckin shows us why smokin’ out on Elm Street is a horrible idea. I’m not sure if Spencer’s death is meant as a cautionary tale of what too much drugs and video games will do to you, but if you’re rockin’ a sweet ass Power Glove, why wouldn’t you want to lay about and spark a bowl?! Spencer is the typical late eighties, early nineties surfer burnout-type, which I’m sure were a dime a dozen in Springwood, OH., but Breckin rocks a million dollar smile and that is enough to get this list started.
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child – Michael Bailey Smith – Super Freddy
I can hear your confusion at my choice for number eight. To me it makes perfect sense. Super Freddy had the body of a Jason Voorhees, while rocking the attitude of our favorite wise crackin’ child molester. And that to me is a winning combo. Also, I believe that during the opening credits, when Dan is draining his seed into Alice’s guts leading to teen pregnancy, and the entire movie, Michael Bailey Smith is actually body doubling as Dan. So that helped in securing Michael on my list.
7. Freddy Vs Jason – Jason Ritter – Will Rollins
God I hate this movie. Which is the worst, because it has three things I love: Jason, Freddy, and Monica Keena’s boobs. But my hate has nothing to do with Jason Ritter’s performance. He’s got those sweet puppy dog eyes that scream “I’m trapped in a terrible situation,” and you just want to throw the guy a lifeline. Ritter and Keena’s boobs are about the only thing worth a damn in this terrible sequel. Disagree with me all you’d like, but remember one thing, typical horror nerd, both franchises were followed by remakes. Remakes, you know, those things you people hate? You can thank Freddy Vs. Jason.
It should be noted that my wife, Producer Danielle, is beyond troubled by the fact that Mr. Ritter ranks in at number seven. She feels he is a solid number three and a beautiful man.
6. New Nightmare – Wes Craven – Wes Craven
Power. Success. Creative as a motherfucker. These are all traits possessed by our hunk at number six. Wes Craven played himself in “New Nightmare.” So I guess I think Wes Craven is a hunk IRL, as the kids snapchat. I guess I do. I’ve idolized Wes Craven since the age of 4. He’s everything I wanted to grow up to be. I’d totally #MCM him.
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake) – Clancy Brown – Alan Smith
There can be only one number five choice, and it is a no brainer for me. I love me some Clancy Brown. While either voicing a crab on a popular children’s cartoon, or beating the sweet sunny Jesus out of an inmate that doesn’t shut his trap, Clancy Brown is a tour de force. One could argue that he’s not the hunkiest of the remake cast, but my list, my rules. Clancy Brown plays Alan, the father of walking guyliner puppet Quentin. Now in the remake, Alan is the ringleader amongst the parents that decide Krueger should be stopped by any means necessary. Clancy Brown creates Freddy in the new universe, and I am okay with that. Hell, Clancy Brown could be responsible for my own demise, and I would accept it with open arms so ong as Clancy was there to narrate my passing. I mean, it would totally suck to be dead, but hopefully Clancy could bury me in a Pet Sematary 2.
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – Laurence Fishburne – Max
Laurence Fishburne is a force of nature. Think about it for a second. Has he ever done a bad flick? I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m probably wrong, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Landing at number four is pretty solid in my opinion. Max is a pretty awesome character. One of the few authority figured in the series that seems to want to help these kids. You can see it takes a toll on him when they begin to fall victim to their dreams. Laurence plays Max perfectly. Strict and tough, yet caring and compassionate. I like the cut of his jib. And hats off to Laurence for making it through the film in one piece. men and women of color are not often thought of as survivors in genre pictures.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master – Andras Jones – Rick
Rick and his little meatball fall in at number three. Alice’s brother is played by Andras Jones, Calvin in “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” from 1988. Whether kicking the air’s ass in his garage dojo, or wearing dick friendly sweats in gym class, Rick does it while looking dope. 80s fashion has never looked better. To this day I cannot listen to Dramarama without thinking of Rick’s nun-chuckin’ skills. Also, how hot do you have to be to hook up with Tuesday Knight? Way hot, dudes with uber confidence. The kind of confidence that once absorbed by your sister she is finally able to kick the souls right out of Freddy’s chest cavity.
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp – Glen Lantz
I’m sure it is no shocker that Johnny Depp is on a list ranking the hottest hunks on Elm Street. However I assume most everyone with a working brain probably had him pegged as a lock at number one. I’m so edgy. Johnny Depp’s crop top and barely legal babyface made their debut in Wes Craven’s classic film from 1984. And it is all thanks to Wes’ daughter Jessica, whom insisted her father cast the young stud in-lieu of the standard proto-jock the then struggling filmmaker envisioned for the role. Needless to say it was the first of many kickass projects Depp would go on to star in.
Johnny Depp’s character Glen is the shy, handsome boyfriend to Nancy Thompson, the object of Fred Krueger’s torment. Glen spends the majority of his time in denial, but leaves the film with one of the most memorable deaths in franchise history. The thing that I find most disturbing in horror films is when a dying character breaks the laws of cinema standard and becomes a living, breathing member of the real world. Glen, along with Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter’s Rob, have the most polarizing death scenes of each franchise because the actors are able to tap into a primal fear as they howl in agony. Rob’s “he’s killing me,” is powerful, but Glen’s innocent cries for his mother move the scene from horrifying into depths of misery, dread, and sheer heartbreak.
1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – Marshall Bell – Coach Schneider
Coach Schneider is a sadistic, leather clad piece of shit, and that is the kind of hidden kink that is sure to stike a cord with all my leather sluts out there. Marshall Bell is one helluvan actor. I hate him so much in so many roles. Which means one thing, folks. He’s fantastic at what he does. In Freddy’s Revenge, Mr. Bell is the thorn in Jesse and Grady’s taint.
Ever ogling the “dirtballs” doing push-ups or eavesdropping on the duo as they change after gym class, Coach Schneider “gets his rocks off” down at the local watering hole where the bears and twinks traverse after hours. One night Coach catches Jesse out for a nightcap. In attempt to teach the young man a lesson, Coach Schneider brings Jesse back to the school to run laps. Marshall Bell plays the scene with so much creepy joy. I love it.
Unfortunately for Coach Schneider, they aren’t alone. Maybe.
Marshall Bell also broke ground in this classic that turns 30 years old today as the first and only time you see a grown man’s ass. That, my friends, is a total hunk move.
*Editor’s Note: You see Mark Patton’s butt when Grady tackles him in the infield.
There you have it! My Hottest Hunks on Elm Street. Hopefully you’ve had as much fun reading as I have had writing. Unlike the previous boob-centric posts, I’ve never spent time sitting around my room asking myself who the hot dudes in the Elm Street franchise. But it was a challenge I thought should be tackled.
Special thanks to Jason Price of ICON VS. ICON for the nudge in the right direction, Thomas Bryce of SHIT MOVIE FEST for his eagerness to read, and Producer Danielle for acting as a sounding board for the hairless little fourteen year old inside of me.
–Jeremy L. Morrison
Get more of Jeremy Morrison on a weekly basis as he hosts the Acid Pop Cult podcast! Download the latest episode of the show on iTunes!