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Bite Me: A Twi-Hard’s Review of ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’

If you consider yourself a movie snob, stop reading here. If you’re looking for a fancy movie review, check out Roger Ebert’s website. You won’t like what I have to say. If you keep reading anyway and find yourself objecting, remember that I warned you.

We are on the third installment of the Twilight saga, “Eclipse,” which is a film based on Stephenie Meyer’s book, “Eclipse,” released in 2007. As a full-fledged Twi-Hard, I’ve had my fill of movie critics trashing these films. They weren’t made to get an Oscar nom, to give Ebert a hard-on or to get a high score on the Tomatometer. They were made for the millions of Twi-Hards who obsessed over the books for months, who know the love story, and who want to see Meyer’s words they so furiously read acted out on the big screen.

With that said, I stood in line alone among a herd of hormone enraged tweens, teens and Twi-moms Friday night to see “Eclipse.” I waited until it had been out for a couple weeks to avoid long lines and bothersome people, to no avail. Although I enjoyed listening to the hens behind me balking about their friend, Dawn the cokehead, who is a “hot mess” and “blacked out at that party last night,” I realized it was the price to pay for seeing a Twilight film in the theaters. I know what you’re thinking: aren’t you a chick? Yes, I have a vagina but I’m not a moron.

I digress.

As I excitedly waited for the film to begin, the training bras and undersexed Twi-moms filled the room. We were all giddy to relive the pages we have all obsessed over. Being so fixated with the books and story, Summit Entertainment could have had stick figures as characters and I still would have seen the movie. I will be the first to admit that the first two movies, “Twilight” and “New Moon”, were sub-par (especially “Twilight”). Nonetheless, Twi-Hards flocked to theaters by the millions and then bought the movies on DVD. The studio execs knew it was like giving a sip of beer to a recovering alcoholic. We want more Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart), we want more of the romance, more of the twists and turns, and we will take what we can get.

As for “Eclipse,” I was glad Bella finally decided to wear makeup and style her hair. It’s about time. I enjoyed her hilarious and awkward father, Charlie (Billy Burke) per usual, especially his weird attempt at a “sex talk.” How could you not love him?

As far as the new Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard), the change in actresses did not bother me, I hardly noticed.

Although I was totally Twi-Harding out, the music was less than par, particularly since I really enjoyed the last two soundtracks. The only song I remember liking is the one played during the scene where they were practicing fighting in the field.

One thing I don’t like about the “Twilight” movies, in general, is that they seem rushed. Considering the books of “Twilight”, “New Moon” and “Eclipse” run 498, 563 and 629 pages, respectively, it’s hard to get the romantic and character build-up in less than two hours. “Eclipse” seemed more like an outline of the major parts in the book and very choppy at times, similar to the first two, which is probably why most movie critics are haters, but I was still loving it anyway.

The actors have grown on a professional level, especially Pattinson and Stewart. How could you not love it when Edward said, “You’ll always be my Bella”? Even Taylor Lautner has grown as an actor. Although he has a smoking hot body and is very sweet in a puppy sort of way, especially when he said “You wouldn’t have to change for me Bella,” I still am on Team Edward.
A glimpse into Rosalie and Jasper’s characters was also a highlight of the movie.
Of course, as a Twi-Hard, I was looking forward to the proposal scene and was not disappointed.
For you horror lovers out there (or the boyfriends/husbands who were dragged to the movies by needy bitches) the newborns emerging from the water was badass, as were the fast-paced fight scenes, with the sounds of shattering vampires and the decapitations. As for Victoria’s sidekick, Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel), he was kind of a letdown but Victoria’s screams were filled with a righteous psychotic rage and lived up to the character in the book. Jane (Dakota Fanning) was pretty good too, cold and sick like the book.

The ending was very nice and has already gotten my panties in a twist for the release of “Breaking Dawn”, which is fortunately broken up into two parts, especially with the upcoming wedding (Did you see that big-ass ring???), Renesmee, and Bella becoming a vampire. Since the movies get better with each installment, I am looking forward to next year.

If you liked the book, you will like this movie. — Kate Vendetta of Icon Vs. Icon