In a new series, our own Hank and Dolores Price aim to serve up a heaping helping of pop culture goodness, in the form of a “Pick of The Week.” This week they turn their sights to a fan favorite — “Game of Thrones.” Be warned there are potential spoilers involved for the first two episodes of the current season! You have been warned! Now, on with the show…
I asked Hank what we’re into this week and he yawned, so prepare for an exhilarating rollercoaster of verbs, adjectives and nouns!
We stopped being super cheap and only kind of cheap and now have HBO GO so Internet jerks can’t spoil “Game of Thrones” for us anymore. So there! No more waiting six months. Ha! We win … nothing because it’s not real life. Whatever.
So, we watch episodes Monday nights because we’re old and can’t stay up that late on a Sunday. I know. Pathetic. (SPOILERS GALORE BELOW).
Fall to your knees and praise the GOT Gods because “The Red Woman,” the Season 6 premiere, featured a recap prior to the episode because GOT bitches got too many characters and too much going on not to have a recap. I mean, really. You got people gaming for the throne all over Westeros.
Oh shit. Hank just said he’s counting on me to write this and I’m drunk. He’s about to get a snack. OK. Um … OK, wait, he mentioned the granny porn. So, there’s that. Thanks Hank, thanks for that great, insightful addition.
So, let’s continue as Hank chews his crunchy snack. Ugh. The GOT Gods channeled Oprah and gave us a “Where Are They Now” episode. Daenerys Targaryen finds herself back with the Dothraki. She tries to name drop – she breaks chains, is unburnt and is the mother of dragons. If someone tried that with me I would also react apathetically. It isn’t until she speaks their language that they change their tune, realizing she is one of them. Is that a metaphor for modern day racism? Oh wait. I’m too drunk for an intellectual debate. Anyway, she thinks sucka got served but really she did because she should be in some Old Wives Home (this is what Hank calls it) for wives of deceased Dothraki leaders. So, no butt shots of Daenerys but I’m sure her story isn’t over. I mean, dragons. Dragons! Tyrion Lannister (Hank enjoys saying Peter Dinklage with a rough, raspy Cockney accent) is running Meereen in Daenerys’ absence with the help of cueball Varys, Master of Little Birds and Lord of No Penis.
More men in Daenerys’ life are featured with her wannabe paramour Jorah Mormont, whose scaly hand looks like my skin during winter, and Daario Naharis. We is hunting her big booty, yo.
ALERT. Late breaking news, via Hank Price. Jon Snow, still dead. Yes. Still dead like Jacob Marley. Dead as a doornail. So, there’s that.
For some reason, Hank and I find Reek, aka Theon Greyjoy, hilarious. Hank enjoys that he’s dickless because, ladies and gentleman, Hank is soulless. As for me, there’s something about the scene where Sansa Stark speaks to him, calling him Theon. He goes along with it until he finally shuts down and yells, “I’m Reek.” I laughed out loud. We’re sick puppies. It’s fine. We’re aware. Anyway, Theon, the artist formerly known as Reek, and Sansa are attempting to escape their captors, especially Ramsay Bolton who wasn’t loved as a child. They are saved by Brienne of Tarth (which you must say with a British accent) and Podrick Payne. She’s a badass woman knight and the head Stormtrooper in the new “Star Wars” films. Get it girl! She also killed Stannis Baratheon and is super loyal to Lady Stark so you can’t help but like her. Pod rick is a little bitch.
Cersei Lannister is still gross and in a love affair with her brother, Jaime Lannister. Cersei is short hair don’t care after her walk of shame. Their daughter, Myrcella Baratheon, is murdered by Ellaria Sand – who also murders her brother-in-law and king, Doran Martell. What a bitch. However, Myrcella’s death is sad but not sad because I was too grossed out by the brother-sister love affair. How did their daughter not have three eyes? What about the Lannister kids, for that matter? Although Joffrey kinda looked like the banjo kid from “Deliverance.” Anyway, Ellaria kills her king and his son, Trystane Martell, but they aren’t super interesting characters so they’re on the back burner.
Back to Cersei, she has a zombie. Like a real zombie in the form of Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain. Some old wizard, Qyburn, brought him back from the dead after Oberyn Martell, Ellaria’s dead lover, fatally injured him. Save the drama for yo mama and give me a zombie!
What’s up with Arya Stark? Hank says, “She blind, yo.” Basically she’s with weird folk from the House of Black and White, led by Jaqen H’ghar. People are faceless, it’s weird, she’s supposed to become no one. Blah blah blah she kills someone and they aren’t happy so they make her a blind beggar so she truly becomes no one. Some chick fights her with sticks and vows to return. Where’s Indiana Jones with his gun?
Margaery Tyrell, widow of Creeper King/Banjo Kid Joffrey and wife of King Tommen, and her brother, Ser Loras Tyrell, are still imprisoned by the Faith Militant which is led by High Sparrow (is Jonathan Pryce always creepy?)
Like I mentioned when discussing Brienne of Tarth, Stannis is dead so president of his fan club, Melisandre, The Red Woman (this is the name of the episode, so pay attention), needs someone to creep out with her fire and haikus. She supposedly sees things in flames but with Stannis dead you wonder if she is all smoke and mirrors. At the end of the episode we discover that although her fortune-telling may need more finesse she has some powers. Cue granny porn, as Hank mentioned earlier. Basically she ain’t a sexy young thang, she’s a frail old woman. It’s like finding out Lt. Lois Einhorn was a man in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” Laces out America.
Hank and I were happy “Game of Thrones” was back because, although the story is sprawling, it’s still enjoyable. However, we knew Jon Snow’s sliced and diced bod was coming back from the dead and Melisandre would be the one who performed the séance. It was almost a given. So, “Book of the Stranger” was welcomed but also somewhat of an afterthought to Jon Snow’s predicament.
Reek turns out to be a decent human being – I guess that will happen when someone tortures you and cuts off your penis. He leaves Sansa in safe hands with Brienne and heads home. We find out home has changed as, surprise, GOT Gods thought the show needed more characters so viola, Reek’s dad, Balon, has a crazy-ass brother, Euron, who shows up and kills him. Who’s king of the boats now? Oh excuse me, Lord of the Iron Islands, King of Salt and Rock, Son of the Sea Wind and Lord Reaper of Pyke. Asha, Theon’s older sister, wants a piece of that crown because doesn’t everyone?
King Tommen mends fences with his nasty mom, Cersei, and there’s some foreshadowing she may help stop the High Sparrow and his henchmen because Tommen is young and a weak ruler. I mean, really? What’s going on with that? Hank and I both commented how it’s ridiculous that no one is doing anything about them, especially the cruel Lannister family. The big bads quiver in their boots when the medieval version of Jimmy Swaggart shows up.
Speaking of Lannisters, Tyrion gets drunk (again) and becomes a Dragon Whisperer. In order to find Daenerys and bring her back they need her dragons, right? Pretty crazy scene. TYRION LANNISTER 2016: I SPEAK TO DRAGONS. We’d vote for him.
How can we forget the update on Ramsay Bolton, Killer of Babies and Feeder of Dogs? Can this guy just get got already?
Although the first episode featured a lot of catching up, they failed to check in with Bran Stark, so it was nice to see him in the second episode since last season put a lot of emphasis on his character. He’s still with the three-eyed Raven and doing weird things, but hey, there’s a lot of weird stuff going on in Westeros.
We saw the ending coming. They waited until the last minute to give us what we all wanted, what everyone complained about between seasons. How could you kill our beloved Jon Snow? Of course he’s not dead…”Entertainment Weekly” told us all days before the episode aired! Thanks a lot, asshats.